I'm just a simple servant of the quill blessed with many friends and ideas. And a southern twang.
So you (yes you, miss lady crying in the corner over there) are praying, hoping, whining, hoochie coo-ing for, or talking shit about the lack of one of those rare creatures known as a good black man. He's more elusive than Eddie Long's real hairline. Or Tiger Woods fidelity. Or...okay, he's hard to find. Well, after extensive qualitative, quantitative, and field research, and speaking with undercover agents in secret meetings, I have discovered where all the good black men are hiding.
Shhhhhh, don't tell everybody. This is sensitive information.
Ladies (maybe gentlemen?), prepare your passports. Open your eyes. Yes ma'ams, after extensive research all the good black men are in South Georgia. While attending my best friend's wedding this past weekend (which, by the way, was gorgeous), I overheard an increasingly common conversation about the lack of "good, available black men" during the reception. I can understand these ladies' angst. The bouquet had been thrown, late 20s are the new 50, and the clock (however you define that) is becoming louder and louder. I exhale and look gratefully at my husband.
Suddenly, a revelation. My husband is from South Georgia. My best friend's new husband is from South Georgia. My daddy, Paw Paw, Godfather, play play cousins and male friends were from South Georgia. The majority of the groomsmen were from...you guessed it, South Georgia. Many of the great available men I know are southern who happen to be from Jawja. Chuch.
A few field notes about DSGBs (Down South Georgia Boys):
--They travel in packs and have extensive colonies in Albany, Camilla, Bainbridge, Cuthbert, Americus, Sylvester, Thomasville, Cairo, Cordele, Valdosta, and Dawson, Georgia.
--If you hear crunk music, move the hell out the way. It's a dangerous situation. Unless, of course, you like living dangerously. Learn to throw 'bows!
--Not all DSGBs are the same, but they are united by their ministry of music spearheaded by Pastor Troy.
So I talked to my husband about it (yes, I will milk this dry. My husband is awesome. Awesomely handsome, awesomely good, and *gasp* awesomely black) and came up with the "Country Boy Eat His Ass Up" kit. Get the following to catch your own DSGB :
A consultation in South Georgianese
This is critical in opening verbal communication. Learn the dialect and slang so you can learn how to bike it up, shawty. Understand what they be talmbout, aight cuh?
Gangsta Grillz Mixtape
Try to make it one of the more recent mixes with as many "Free T.I., Big Pookie, Weezy, and 'nem" adlibs as possible. Or, if you really want to step your game up, buy one of theirs.
Popeyes Spicy Chicken Box
There's nothing like Popeyes Spicy Chicken. It's like crack. Have you ever seen or been in a Popeye's line? If you got that kitchen swag, whip up your own. Country boys EXPECT good eatin'.
Hair Clippers
Most south Georgia boys line themselves up or know a guy that knows a guy that knows a guy who cuts hair. Clippers are a peace offering. Ladies take note, a jacked up tape is a serious, often unforgivable offense. It's a traumatic experience. If you meet a southern man with a jacked up line, don't stare. Act like you don't know the difference...
A Pit Bull or Rottweiler
In country boy speak, nothing screams "my nuts are bigger than yours" than owning a Pit or Rott. If you're afraid, don't fret. Point the guy in the right direction (No Vick).
A Big Body
Oh, you don't know what that means? I'ma need you to check that out.
Specialize your kit with the following:
Black and Milds
Cheese Grits
Not willing to travel to the boondock collage to search for your new boo thang? No worries. I hear there are good men further north and out (mid) west too. I'm not too familiar, though. I'm a DSGG.
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